NYC

“You find yourself on the road.”

“Traveling isn’t about exploring the world. It’s about exploring you.”

Oh, really?

Those are some of the words I’ve heard about travel in my life. I used to scoff at them, and in some ways I still do. Yet, I know while I set off to see new sights and things, I’m also well-aware of one fact: traveling makes me a better person.

You can agree, or disagree, with that fact for yourself. Some people really do lose themselves out there, to the point where they vow to go home and never leave again (I’ve seen it happen myself). Some people love their home identities so much that they end up resenting their travels. While I understand these struggles, and have even gone through similar feelings (have you seen my previous posts about how I don’t want to live in Madrid again? hah, we all go through it), I know that I can’t stand myself being stuck in one place for too long.

That’s where these summer frustrations come from. For some reason, this always seems to be the most difficult season of the year for me. Don’t ask me why – maybe it goes back to me spending three summers in casts/stitches due to being a little too wild on playgrounds – but it’s just not my season. Here I am, at home, waiting for the return of fall, probably my favourite time of year.

My mind’s wandering, and simultaneously very confused. Confused about where I’m going, not because of lack of options, but because whichever path I take, I know I have to stick with it. Commitment to things I need to do/learn isn’t something I’ve ever lacked in, but I’m not the kind of person who commits for no reason. I currently need that reason, and I need it to be real.

I can’t get too specific, but imagine yourself being at a major crossroads in your life. You could be in one of three (or even four) different cities a couple of months from now. The pros of each place are all very different, as are the cons. You can choose stability, or at least what seems like the smarter, but far more life-suffocating option, or take the leap of faith and push yourself back out there into the wild. Or, you know, find middle ground, and work towards it, even if it’s not a great quick-fix option.

Now, amidst all of this, my focus is to keep myself calm, right? To keep my eye on the prize, not to get too jumpy about what I need to do just yet, to be a little patient. Right?

Nothing comes easy. At least, that’s what all those wiser and older than me say. Nothing comes easy, I must repeat to myself.

So, while I wait, my introverted side has taken over, which only ever happens when it’s time to either listen/learn or get creative. I don’t like it, the over-thinking, over-analyzing, but there’s one benefit to it: during times like these, my thoughts are poured out more easily on paper.

I’m not sure it’s time to really announce anything yet, at least officially. My days, right now, consist of a lot of thinking, writing, and letting my overactive imagination take over. One of these days, I’ll work up the courage to just say it – say what I’m working on – but for now, I have to leave it at that.

Time to get back to writing. Travel-less me, out.